I gave in, but I didn't give up.

Have you ever seen that episode on Different Strokes (excuse me while I date myself) where Arnold was sneaking powdered doughnuts and tried to lie about it, but the evidence was all over his face?

Yesterday I was that kid…sort of.

I was struggling in a major way with the weather and just plain being hungry because my body was resisting letting go of some poundage.

 No amount of self talk was working.

  I figured that out when I grabbed the rice out of the fridge, and had a spoon dipped in before I realized what was coming for the weight gain producing hole in my face.

At this point I decided to go with it, log it and face my lumps.  But before that, I was sure to portion it out with a little bit of my vegan refried beans (no oil, only beans, onions, garlic, and spices).  

The day before that, my daughter had earned student of the month and I brought her some individual chocolates.

I was in my car and decided to look in the mirror to see if there was any evidence of the three chocolates I ate.  There was none.

I had to run.  There was no other option.  If I was going to have any defense against the scale this week, I had to get a good calorie burn, because by the end of lunch time I was already down to 299 calories left in my bank :(.

But here are some good things I accomplished.
#1. After blogging earlier this week about binge eating, I decided I probably better not do it.
#2. When my family wanted Taco Bell for dinner, so did I…so.   did.   I.
  I told myself I could go home, and make my own burrito with not only less calories, but WAY less chemicals and no animal products. This made me not put in an order for myself.  And the rule of no eating in the car made the drive home easier.
#3.  I also told myself that Fridays are usually my relax day and that I should just wait it out before splurging because tomorrow we were going to dinner at my favorite restaurant.
#4.  I am accountable to each and every one of you.  Just as you are accountable to me.
#5. A new idea was born!  There is a number that I need to include into the calorie plan for me as well as all of you, it is Calories to Maintain Weight.  If you have a struggle like my day was yesterday, allow yourself to eat your calories to maintain weight for that day.

My hope is that by sharing my struggles, maybe you guys can relate and find a way out of the difficult times, and your mind will become stronger in the defense.  Just as you exercise your body, your mind is equally important.

Big dreams, Big Goals mean Big changes.   Please be conscious of your eating habits.  Please push through the struggles.  Please correct one foul move with 7 good ones.

Sincerely bearing it all,
Jolene

My struggles today

When I have extra time, especially when summer nears, I love to look at cute summer dresses and dream of looking cute in them.  This is part of what keeps me on task.

Today I ate my usual fruit sandwich and logged it into My Fitness Pal.  I had only a little over 1100 calories left after my whopping 185.  I went to the gym and led a class ( a darn good one if I don't say so myself!) and when I was done I was hungry.  As I leave the parking lot the thoughts of food enter my head.  The biggest one is the doughnut.  My kids will tell you they get to eat a doughnut once or twice a year simply because they are my weakness, so I avoid them like the plague.  I started my binge-eating thought process about how I have done so good and really just one is not going to hurt. And in the deepest part of my mind I told myself "If no one is watching, do the calories count?"  I know enough to know that I will not be able to work off that doughnut, even with the three hundred calories I will eventually burn today, it would only put me at maintain…and I need a lose!  And by the way, I did not do good previously!  I was absolutely destructive over the week end.

As I drove out of the parking lot I asked myself two questions.
1. Why are you doing this? (coating calories, trying to lose)
Answer: I really want to prove to myself that I can make better choices, and the inches won't come off without the change in my diet.  Not to mention I BETTER practice what I preach.

2. What can I do, or think at this moment to change the sabotage that is sure to come if I don't deflate these thoughts…ha ha deflate!!
Answer: Think of the food I can have, the stuff that doesn't cost me. like fresh veggies or fruit.  I know that if I can just get it into my mouth it will at least take away the hunger pain.  Think, your car needs to go home, and no where else.

By the time I got home I needed to do something.  I first went for the soup I made last night, then remembered that I could really fill myself up and have so much more if I had a salad with veggies!  I ended up having a huge bowl of lettuce with celery, green onions, and some seasoned veggies that I had water sautéed a few nights ago.  I put a couple of tablespoons of Nutritional yeast on top and viola!  It filled me up nicely.  That was at 10am.  By noon I was wanting food again, now it was lunch and now I would eat the soup (Soul soothing african Peanut Stew by Angela Lidon Oh She Glows cookbook).  This soup is very comforting, and very healthy, 1 cup at 271 calories was very satisfying.  I am now craving sweets and dreaming about cinnamon toast crunch (what is it even doing in my house?!!!) but instead I am going to have some free grapes!  I had a cup of black coffee earlier, and will have some plain herbal tea here pretty soon.  Drinking water is best.  Sometimes I shake it up with plain herbal tea :)

I decided to Google "weight loss blogs" into my computer.  This is the first one I clicked onhttp://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/2014/11/05/how-to-recover-from-binge-eating/  Binge eating…something I struggle with?  You betcha!  I am not certain that I knew that…er…admitted that until I read the blog of what she goes through when she is on a binge.  It was scary to how well I could relate.  You can read the article, she makes some pretty good points but it got me to thinking.  I don't do it near as much as I used to, and when I do I think of some key things I have done in the past to help prevent it.  It's mostly mind work, but I am going to try to recollect and list some things here.  Please excuse the messiness of this blog and my thoughts…they are pretty raw.

1.  Entitlement.  We all have entitlement issues, especially when it comes to eating.  I try to remember to ask myself why I think I should be allowed to have this.  So here is an example.

 I have a goal, 2 pound weight loss this week.  The week goes by and it was a success!  I only lost 1.5 pounds, but I stuck to everything I was supposed to.  I start next week, Monday I do great!  Tuesday is here and I can feel my weight beginning to budge, I can feel it because I am darn hungry!  NO, a celery stick isn't going to cut it this time!  I deserve just a few crackers, or something sweet, I have done good!  How about a bowl of cereal (a very personal weakness that turns into two bowls) just one little bowl.  Begin inner dialogue
"The weather is really crappy, and you know how you crave sweets when the weather is bad."
"You worked out today, there has to be some calorie allowance in there."
 "Okay, just grab a handful and eat them dry."

Enter reality, and the keys to prevent acting on my addiction

  Then I have to ask myself…
"What number did you want to see on the scale at the end of this week?" (this is attention to my goal)  "Why do you feel you are entitled to this cheat?"
 "Is there any other food you can grab?" (fruit, a small handful of nuts if it fits into my calorie allowance, celery stick, prepared soup)

When that thought doesn't work, I have to send in reinforcement:
"Go to the refrigerator, grab a stick of celery, or a carrot, or heat up some soup, DO IT"

So I do it, then I feel better.  I have succeeded.

I don't want to talk about what happens when I don't listen to that voice, but I listen to the one that goes for the cereal.  I am left with an angry, guilty conscience.  I wish I would have at least tried my other method first.  I am tired and crashing from my sugar high.  Now all I do is crave sugar the rest of the day, and many more repercussions we all have them.

2. Plan ahead.  This can be challenging.  We all have lives, but let's face it.  If we want the big changes we envision, then we need to make sacrifices and big changes in our lives.
Prep your food!  Make little meals for yourself that already have the calories counted.  I am not good at doing it all in one day for the week, so I do things in the morning, like make a salad, or a sandwich.  The easiest thing for me to make ahead is Soup.  One of my favorite soups is cream of asparagus by Dr. Fuhrman.
Cream of Asparagus Soup 
Ingredients 
1 pound fresh asparagus, chopped 
2 tablespoons Dr. Fuhrman's VegiZest (I use Krogers zesty seasoning only 1 tbsp)
2 cups water 
1 tablespoon Bragg Liquid Aminos 
1 cup unsweetened soy, almond or hemp milk 
1/4 C almonds 1/4C cashews, or 1/2 C of one kind of nut
4 pitted dates 
chopped fresh cilantro, for garnish 
Instructions 
Simmer asparagus, VegiZest, water, and aminos in a soup pot until asparagus is tender. Blend in a 
high-powered blender, with soy milk, cashews, and dates, until smooth. Garnish with cilantro before 
serving. 
I typed in this link to find the asparagus recipe, and if you scroll through the comments you will find several yummy looking recipes!!!

3. Leave (go to the library or anywhere away from your kitchen) or find a way to be incredibly busy doing whatever keeps your interest.

I came home today cold and hungry.  I had already eaten a good sized breakfast (a fruit sandwich with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter) so the excuses weren't even coming!  For me a warm cup of herbal tea will not only fill me up, it will soothe me, and help me to get warmed up.

 I took my tea into my office and got away from the kitchen.  If you work outside the home, make sure you have your lunch pre made AND bring a snack that will help you resist the doughnuts someone brought in for Sue's birthday.  When I helped out at the school for family fun night, I just knew there was going to be a lot of sweet treats there, so I ate dinner before I left, and shoved a 100 calorie packet of chocolate covered pretzels in my pocket, not so that I should eat them no matter what, but because I know myself and I wanted to have a weapon.

 I am not big on hundred calorie packs, or processed food, but I am also realistic, and I knew that crappy processed food was going to save the day when I needed it to.  It wasn't long before my 12 year old was asking me to hold her cupcake for a second.  It was at that moment that I patted my pocket and smiled.  I survived that night AND had a few calories left over for when I got home :)

So I will close for now, and hope I have time to write more tomorrow!